Des Moines Area Barbies

I can't take credit for this - Cousin E sent it to me. I've modified it a bit, however.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Des Moines market:

1. Jordan Creek Barbie - This princess Barbie is sold only in West Glen at Jordan Creek .. She comes with anassortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

2. Ankeny Barbie (recently moved from east side) - The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Still goes back to the east side for doctor appointments, shopping, bakery, dairy queen, weddings, and funerals. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

3. Fairgrounds Barbie - This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Fairgrounds Barbie comes with the Barbie East-side dream-shack that has an extra large front yard for Clive Barbie to park her Hummer on for $20 per day each August.

4. Clive Barbie - This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Closeted Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

5. Osceola Barbie - This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Can be found at "The Boat".

6. Boone County Barbie - This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Madrid Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also included is her Wal-Mart employee smock. Mobile home sold separately.

7. Drake Park Barbie - She is just looking for all three of her baby daddies. Set comes with baby Nieshia and baby Twanna. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass to get to Aldi's. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

8. Decatur County Barbie - Former fair queen. Seen at the Silver Spur in Grand River often. Rodeo groupie. Pabst Blue Ribbon sold separately.